Incoherence

"Conversation about the weather is the last refuge of the unimaginative" - Oscar Wilde

I wish I had the gift of the gab. Although it is important to accept the personal attributes that make us unique individuals, there is a lot I would trade to become a virtuoso in the art of conversation.

Although one can spend a lot of time crafting well thought out sentences in written form, a conversation calls for the ability to think quickly and effectively on the spot. I have wondered for a while about the factors that might affect one's ability to execute this critical skill of life. Herein follows a little analysis of what many of us do so naturally without much thought.

The quality of my performance in conversation varies greatly depending on whom I talk to, the topics of conversation, my mood, the general atmosphere in which the conversation takes place, and the importance of the outcomes of the conversation.

I perform better when I talk about a topic that interests me. I perform better when I have endorphins cursing through my system after a workout. I perform better when I am indulging in food I do not consider as healthy. I perform better after I read an intellectually stimulating article from the New York Times. I perform better on a Friday afternoon when there are many exciting things to look forward to. I perform better when I talk to those that know me pretty well. I perform better when a goal of the conversation is to impress. I perform better when the stakes are high.

I think we all have a baseline ability, above which performance depends on conscious effort and external factors. For some, including myself, this baseline is well below what we wish it to be. This explains why sometimes I surprise myself by eloquently holding intellectual conversations, yet other times, I feel like an idiot.

Over a course of a day, I am often involved in little exchanges of words with others during which I am disappointed with either what I say or how I say what I say. Memory recall issues, not finding the right words for a sentence, losing track of what is being said, and simply not knowing what to say next are common causes of a conversation headed nowhere. Rarely do I thread words together in a way that makes me proud. It can be a stressful exercise, to have to filter and refine what is to be said, and after saying it, assess how it was said. That is why silence is so appealing sometimes. But, a mute bystander runs into the risk of appearing arrogant, aloof, timid or socially incompetent.

I think the best we can do is to accept our current abilities while being aware of the factors that affect them. Striving to be better may seem like a good mindset to have, but from experience, setting high expectations for such a mundane activity can result in repeated disappointment.

Reading what I've written so far, I just let out a sigh. Why care so much? We should loosen up a bit. After all, the main goal of conversation is to communicate ideas, if not just to talk for the sake of talking. We all have unique ways of doing this by flavoring the verbalization of our thoughts with personalized verbal placeholders, imagery, and speech devices, and adding our versions of humor, stories and facts. Plus, who wants to talk to someone that sounds like s/he is reading from a script? Imperfect speech is more natural and nicer on the ears.

There is no denying that the skill of conversing effectively is important, in both personal and professional contexts. However, it may be more important to challenge ourselves to be comfortable in our own skin in light of our limitations.

Relax, smile, and enjoy the moment.